Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Misery Loves Company (Holiday Edition)

My dear cousins,

While I am proud to have been the one to educate you about S.E.X. by pointing to the neighbor's dogs when we were 9 ("Actually, Mario that's not lipstick..."), I can’t say I’m proud to have informed you that there is no Santa Claus. I was mostly angry because your parents were so much better than mine. At things like parenting and Christmas. Your tree was always real and green. Ours was $14.99 from our local drugstore. Your toys were always battery-powered. Ours were powered by the mind. So when my sister told me that our parents were the ones wrapping our Christmas presents in birthday paper, NOT Santa Claus, I was appalled and had to share the shitty news with those closest to me. Ken, Barbie, and of course you guys. And seeing as my sister chewed the hands and feet off of barbie that year, I chose to only tell you guys. I couldn’t bare to bring Ken any more bad news. “Ken, no more hand jobs. No more Christmas either.” Surely you understand the difficult position I was in.

Anyway, I know your parents will never forgive me for prematurely ushering the two of you into adulthood but I hope you can find it in your hearts to buy me a present this Christmas.

I miss you guys,


Monday, December 20, 2010

Dear Suzanne,

When I said that meth can make you look like a mom from the midwest I didn’t realize you are a mom from the midwest.

My bad.

Your beloved coworker,


Monday, September 13, 2010

Best Worst Make-over Evar


Remember that one time i told you all the cool guys were highlighting their hair and convinced you to let me highlight yours with some illegal products my mom had stored in our bathroom cabinet and then you had your senior picture taken and you looked like Lauren Conrad with a buzz cut and a bow tie?

Yeah, I’m sorry. I really hope that's not why you're gay.

Monday, January 18, 2010

Your peanuts for your headphones

Dear American Airlines,

I just wanted to let you know I stole about $15 worth of headphones from you last week. I have a problem. Not with theft. Just with keeping things around…in general. I lose things. Cameras, children, and lately every pair of headphones I've purchased. So, when I saw you had hundreds of them in a bucket I got excited and thought I should stock up for the inevitable. I am now on my 9th pair (thank you).

I know you’re probably thinking this is somehow my fault and that a respectable company such as American Airlines shouldn’t have to pay the price for my carelessness. But I’ll have you know, what I have is an illness like any other and you wouldn’t fault a blind kid for needing an extra pair of eyes to read the airline safety instructions, would you? Yeah, didn't think so.

And while it may seem like you’re operating at a loss (b/c you’re missing 10 headphones) in actuality, you are not because I'm paying you back. In peanuts. See, when the nice flight attendant offered me some snacks I kindly declined.

I've priced these out (keeping consistent with airport prices of course):
1 bag of roasted peanuts $4.75
1 shot of “Florida” orange juice $5

That’s $9.75.

So $15 worth of headphones - $9.75 worth of snacks = $5.25

As it stands I owe you $5.25. I will pay my balance off when I fly again and bypass your delicious snacks.

Thank you for understanding. You are almost definitely my domestic airline of choice.