Friday, July 15, 2011

I'm not a racist, I'm just an idiot.

Mr. Chang, I’ve lost a lot of beauty sleep thinking about what i did to you so it’s probably best I you and your 4 billion relatives.

Lets get right to the point: I’m sorry I mistook you for another Asian. You and I have engaged in multiple conversations at work about math and my paycheck and other nice things so you certainly didn't deserve such an insult.

I never actually explained what prompted me to “welcome you to the agency” that day. Well, I’ll tell you. That morning, we all got an email from a young man who had just started working with us, and he said he'd be handling our paychecks (which was always your job). He also said he sat on the second floor (also your floor). And he signed off his email with: Justin - The tall Asian guy. (You get my drift.)

So when I saw you sitting on the second floor, sorting through what looked like paychecks, looking like a tall Asian (by Asian standards) naturally, I thought you were Justin.

Which is why I So very politely extended my hand, introduced myself and welcomed you to the agency.

I knew what I had done was wrong as soon as your cube buddy and defender of all payroll department employees gave me the stink eye and said, “Um…Kelly, Mr. Chang has been working with us for like five years.”

I’m sure you can see how anyone with a slightly retarded lineage, like mine, (my grandmother married her first cousin) would make this honest mistake. That day, if someone woulda put a gun to my head, Mr. Chang, and asked me what your name was, I’d scream: Justin! It’s Justin, you bastard! Let me live!

So you see Mr. Chang, I'm not a racist, I'm just an idiot. And I ask that you take pitty on me. If not for me, then for our people and all that we have in common:

Rice, good hair and short men.

Monday, April 18, 2011


Dear Clear Channel Katz Advantage,

I know I fucked up a lot in the two years I worked there. Like the time I said I was the one who made those delicious cupcakes at the office pot luck but really didn’t and nobody laughed. And the time I had the mail room guys deliver fake dog poop to the managers in envelopes labeled CONFIDENTIAL. And that time I wore jeans every Tuesday instead of Friday. The list goes on but even I know that all of these fuck-ups are merely misdemeanors next to KELLY’S BIG TIRE GIVEAWAY! I've titled the incident for dramatic effect.

Lets revisit what I think was a very exciting day for corporate America and radio-listening drivers everywhere; The day I gave away $10,000 worth of free tires.

You know how you get those emails just as you’re waking up around lunch time and you’re all like, “Ugh, words.” So you read the first two sentences, the most important ones, and go back to dominating Solitaire. That’s sort of what happened on this particular day when that marketing dude from unnamed company emailed me with the details on the tire-giveaway promotion. His first couple of sentences were very clear: we’d be giving away four new tires per winner. Personally, I would’ve gone with three as a clever way to increase single tire sales but what do I know, I’m just a marketing expert. His last couple of sentences, the ones I didn’t read, were also very clear: we were only to give away these tires to the top five markets on the media buy.


Okay so I gave away free tires to like the top 30 markets. The thing is, yes I was lazy, but I was also really excited to give away free tires! I always wanted to give back to the community and now I could do it with someone else's money/tires! So I did what any philanthropist would do: I punched the computer in the face for beating me at Solitaire and got on the phone to tell hundreds of lucky new tire recipients I was about to change their lives, forever.

Anyway, I’m sorry I cost the man an extra $10,000. I’d also like to thank you for moving me to the “creative” department in lieu of canning me. I’ll never wear jeans on a Tuesday again.

Forever grateful,


Sunday, March 20, 2011

Blinded by Patriotism

To the city of Orlando,

This year marks the 10th anniversary of my crashing the city’s van into a school bus at the veteran’s day parade. I respectfully commemorate that incident with a public apology.

Let me just start by saying, that road was really fucking narrow. And that school bus was really fucking big.

Second, I had a van full of streamers that needed to be delivered and I was NOT going to let our veterans down by slowing down for children.

Last, I think everyone really blew things out of proportion (the mayor included) and missed the poetic parallels between an intern’s patriotism and that of our troops. You see, no one wants casualties but it’s the price of war and that bus was in my way.
No, let me rephrase that, it was in my country’s way.

All that said, I sincerely apologize for diverting the attention from our brave veterans to that of a bus full of screaming band kids.

Serving with honor,