Monday, April 18, 2011


Dear Clear Channel Katz Advantage,

I know I fucked up a lot in the two years I worked there. Like the time I said I was the one who made those delicious cupcakes at the office pot luck but really didn’t and nobody laughed. And the time I had the mail room guys deliver fake dog poop to the managers in envelopes labeled CONFIDENTIAL. And that time I wore jeans every Tuesday instead of Friday. The list goes on but even I know that all of these fuck-ups are merely misdemeanors next to KELLY’S BIG TIRE GIVEAWAY! I've titled the incident for dramatic effect.

Lets revisit what I think was a very exciting day for corporate America and radio-listening drivers everywhere; The day I gave away $10,000 worth of free tires.

You know how you get those emails just as you’re waking up around lunch time and you’re all like, “Ugh, words.” So you read the first two sentences, the most important ones, and go back to dominating Solitaire. That’s sort of what happened on this particular day when that marketing dude from unnamed company emailed me with the details on the tire-giveaway promotion. His first couple of sentences were very clear: we’d be giving away four new tires per winner. Personally, I would’ve gone with three as a clever way to increase single tire sales but what do I know, I’m just a marketing expert. His last couple of sentences, the ones I didn’t read, were also very clear: we were only to give away these tires to the top five markets on the media buy.


Okay so I gave away free tires to like the top 30 markets. The thing is, yes I was lazy, but I was also really excited to give away free tires! I always wanted to give back to the community and now I could do it with someone else's money/tires! So I did what any philanthropist would do: I punched the computer in the face for beating me at Solitaire and got on the phone to tell hundreds of lucky new tire recipients I was about to change their lives, forever.

Anyway, I’m sorry I cost the man an extra $10,000. I’d also like to thank you for moving me to the “creative” department in lieu of canning me. I’ll never wear jeans on a Tuesday again.

Forever grateful,