Friday, July 15, 2011

I'm not a racist, I'm just an idiot.

Mr. Chang, I’ve lost a lot of beauty sleep thinking about what i did to you so it’s probably best I apologize...to you and your 4 billion relatives.

Lets get right to the point: I’m sorry I mistook you for another Asian. You and I have engaged in multiple conversations at work about math and my paycheck and other nice things so you certainly didn't deserve such an insult.

I never actually explained what prompted me to “welcome you to the agency” that day. Well, I’ll tell you. That morning, we all got an email from a young man who had just started working with us, and he said he'd be handling our paychecks (which was always your job). He also said he sat on the second floor (also your floor). And he signed off his email with: Justin - The tall Asian guy. (You get my drift.)

So when I saw you sitting on the second floor, sorting through what looked like paychecks, looking like a tall Asian (by Asian standards) naturally, I thought you were Justin.

Which is why I So very politely extended my hand, introduced myself and welcomed you to the agency.

I knew what I had done was wrong as soon as your cube buddy and defender of all payroll department employees gave me the stink eye and said, “Um…Kelly, Mr. Chang has been working with us for like five years.”

I’m sure you can see how anyone with a slightly retarded lineage, like mine, (my grandmother married her first cousin) would make this honest mistake. That day, if someone woulda put a gun to my head, Mr. Chang, and asked me what your name was, I’d scream: Justin! It’s Justin, you bastard! Let me live!

So you see Mr. Chang, I'm not a racist, I'm just an idiot. And I ask that you take pitty on me. If not for me, then for our people and all that we have in common:

Rice, good hair and short men.