Wednesday, August 20, 2014

One Woman's Trash is Another Woman's Breakfast

To the sweet old lady from that bakery in Hialeah, FL: 

I’m sorry I threw out your breakfast.  

I thought it was trash.  Mostly, because it looked like trash. But also because it looked like trash on a table I wanted to sit at.  

I guess I should have known that inside that dirty napkin was a mini tub of Philadelphia cream cheese you brought from home and intended to spread on your pastelito*. And that you were using this napkin-wrapped mini cream cheese tub as a device to hold down the table while you ordered your breakfast. 

Looking back, the signs were so painfully obvious. The napkin practically shouting, “This is my table and inside this dirty napkin is my motherfucking cream cheese which obviously makes this my table so everybody just back the fuck off!”

Only an IDIOT like myself would fail to understand this was your table.

When you yelled at me in front of my mom and the other customers, I wasn’t even angry. I quickly realized what I had done. The tragedy of it all came to me in a bone-chilling slide show: Empty table. Flash. Dirty Napkin. Flash. Hand in trash. Flash. Your angry face. Flash.

As you raised your fist and my mom giggled in the corner, I desperately wanted the cream cheese back. I wanted to undo what I had done. And to ask you where you got your shoes because they looked so fucking comfortable.  

I honestly don’t even remember what happened next. Maybe I paid for your breakfast. Or got the cream cheese out of the trash. Maybe I ran like a bitch.

Sometimes I wonder if you ate at all that day.

I know I can’t undo the events of that tragic morning, but I CAN prevent this from ever happening to you or anyone else again. 

I’ve designed a note (attached below) that you can print out yourself and place next to your napkin-wrapped cream cheese the next time you leave it behind while you order your food. I imagine it’ll be a lot more effective than your current strategy of walking away from your table.




*A pastelito is something like a Cuban apple turnover but with guava or coconut or cheese. It’s pretty fucking delicious.